It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, for clichéd songs!
Yeah, forget that mess, got out and ran late, because I had a late night, because the end of October tends to close chapters for me. I’ve lost a job on Halloween, and now a relationship. I tend not to talk specifically about relationships on here, because it can be problematic, and it is problematic. But now that this one is done, keeping with standards, and not naming names or pointing anyone out, I will detail what went wrong.
Just so everyone knows, I’m actually not upset. I’m quite fine. This is probably the best I’ve ever felt after a breakup. I just want to point out, I deal with a lot of stuff from people, I forgive over and over even as my own ability to cope deteriorates, but there is one thing I have zero tolerance for, physical violence. I don’t care if it hurts, I don’t care if I was being a complete asshole about something, you hit me in anger, relationship over. I, if you couldn’t tell, have a lot of my own anger inside. I’m constantly terrified of losing control and hitting someone. So once you do, I’m gone, because I’m not going to leave myself in a situation where I will be tempted to act in such a manner, simply because I’m not sure I could deal with that afterward. I would feel like a massive failure. So that’s what ended it, but let’s talk about some warning signs that I should have looked out for, and how I should have ended things much earlier.
Now don’t get me wrong, overall, this person was a very kind human being. Always very helpful, very kind-hearted, very generous. So what’s the problem, you may ask. Well, completely insecure. I am not the type of person for someone who is insecure. I am generally a loner, an extroverted-introvert if you will. I generally want to keep to myself, but I am super nice to talk to and want to help everyone out and want to be kind. But I generally don’t want to spend too much time with most anyone. I can run, blog, work, eat, watch stuff, read stuff, play games, without talking to another soul except where necessary and be completely at ease and happy. What all this means is, I’m not always up for giving all the details of my day, I honestly don’t want people prying too much. Not because I’m not doing anything wrong, but because I am private, yes, I AM PRIVATE! So, no I don’t want to play 20 questions about all my friends.
So it started when I went to the USA for a month this Summer to see family. If I didn’t want to talk on Skype, it meant, apparently, I didn’t want to talk to this person. Not true, I just don’t always want to be tethered to a computer or phone with a camera in my face, see above about introverts. Then, if I didn’t answer a WhatsApp message within a few minutes, I would get accused of not wanting to speak to this person anymore. Right here, I should have called it quits. But my family was so happy I actually decided to let someone into my life. I was wrapped up in a certain amount of new relationship whatever.
Then in Denmark, things get worse. The problem was, in jailbreaking my phone, I didn’t realize I needed to manually set up the TIM APNs. Holy crap, that’s really when the accusations of cheating started. A friend from my previous job was accused, a friend from bookfaces whom I never actually met, a friend’s wife. Constantly, and it didn’t matter what I said, or what was real, there was an argument that was going to happen. If I tried to avoid it, or just told the truth. The worst is when I told the truth, I’d be told how I was lying. Every time it was heartbreaking, it was brutal. It was absolute abuse. But I stuck with it, because overall they were a nice person, and I figured when I got back to Italy all would be better.
Nope, on my birthday, because I had gone to play beer pong with a friend from work and some students months before, and I didn’t bother to tell them about something so insignificant (no offense to those involved, I totally had fun, but I mean it’s fucking beer pong), holy crap the fight that ensued was ridiculous, and the worst part is, it was my birthday, and I let them make me feel like crap when I did nothing wrong. That, right there, should have absolutely been enough for me, I mean it’s a birthday right. But I was good and patient and I told myself it would get better.
Needless to say it didn’t. New job, new coworkers, new accusations. Old friends, new accusations. I thought it would get better, but it actually sped up and got worse, It went from once a month, to once every couple of weeks, to once a week, and this past weekend, it was actually twice in the weekend!
The last straw came when I tagged them in a photo, on their request. They saw a name pop up in the bookfaces person tagging screen on my phone, a friend. And immediately I tensed and felt sick when I heard “Who’s that?” Well that’s what started the end. I just wanted out of the apartment at that moment. Notice I’m not being a dick and demanding they leave my apartment. I’m leaving, even at the end, I worry about people, it was cold here last night for people who live around here, it got into the single digits centigrade. So it was in the mid-high 40s F. As she’s giving me the “after all I’ve done for you!” shit. Like I don’t do anything for people. Not the first time she pulled that one out. But anyway, I tell them, at this point when they talk to this friend and find out I didn’t cheat, we are done. Because it’s just too far at this point, I was giving them a choice to trust in me or end it. But then that made things worse, I didn’t realize it was, because they told me they already knew this friend. So I figured tomorrow they’d contact this person and it’d be over.
Now, when you demand of me my telephone, to call someone you are convinced I was cheating on you with, that’s not going to happen. When you clutch my shirt and jam your hand down my pants to try and remove my phone, definitely not on. And when I turn to leave my apartment, and you hit me in the back, I’m done. Completely unacceptable. There are things I could have done better, but I don’t feel any remorse about them. I never did anything terminally wrong. I was just true to myself, and I let some damage be done to some friendships because I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and say no earlier. That’s what I regret, that one friend got a late night bookfaces add with bizarre questions asked of them, and other friends didn’t get messages answered as promptly as they should have been, or I didn’t call them when I should have, because their troubles were greater than mine, yet I was too timid to stand up to someone trying to control my life.
Many points, I could have, and should have cut this short, and I didn’t and that was my mistake. In spite of my rejection of most societal norms, I definitely let the pressure get to me and I wasn’t true to myself. That’s very difficult to deal with, I feel like a fraud, but hey, matters of the heart are more complicated than social justice, economic justice, environmental justice right? OK, I’m good. You be good too, and don’t let anyone push you around. I don’t care what they do, if they’re doing things for you in exchange for your obedience and your betrayal of yourself, your friends, your family, they are NOT doing things for you, they are doing them for themselves, in order to gain a new possession, only this time the thing they are getting is you. Unacceptable. Sorry to be so heavy today, but that’s that. And no seriously, I’m fine, for the first time after a breakup, I’m totally fine, and I shared, because I don’t want anyone else ending up where I ended up. If I didn’t walk away last night, it wouldn’t have got better, it would have kept getting worse. Tomorrow, a new day and hopefully more good news! Today I feel lighter, I feel more secure with myself, I feel better about me and re-energized on my path. Keep that #PMA!
Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run, then so can you!
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