Decisions decisions

So, here I am. I got my ass up and out today. I’m doing alright. Still a little so-so about somethings. Fucked up on my work schedule yesterday and ended up being late and I hate being late. I really pride myself on getting places on time and when I’m late, it really bothers me. Like deep down, causing existential crises, bother. Ennui! The run itself was good though, right around my average for 5 miles of training on the lungomare run. I can be happy about that given my ankles are still bothering me and now I have a little twinge in my left hamstring, but again run until/if it breaks.
So anyone who knows me probably realizes that I’ve never been happy working for other people. Not to say I don’t/haven’t enjoyed working for/with certain people. To the contrary, I’ve had plenty of people who have been a joy to work for, and there is a certain satisfaction in not having to worry about paychecks and taxes and shit like that. This is also not meant to intimate in any way that I’m not enjoying my current job, or that I don’t find it fulfilling. I get to help people learn and that’s huge. But as more time goes by, and the more I think about it, I really do need to really start making concrete commitments to try and break myself from this system which I know so desperately needs to be changed. But what can I do?
Well, first I think instead of just ranting out on this blog, I really need to discipline myself to really write things down. I think if I take my time and do more research, I could make a decent philosophical treatise and really try to figure out the best way forward for all of humanity. Because I think that may be the real problem here. With no fully integrated options to replace the existing status quo, even with a vast majority of the people recognizing something isn’t right, there is simply too much apprehension about moving past the current false dichotomies of “capitalism or communism” or “libertarianism or authoritarianism”, or any of the other nonsense we cloud our lives with. Whatever words we wish to use for our socio-political spectrum extremes. I’m not here to argue semantics and no, semantics is not the only argument.
The fact is, I’ve been saying for years someone has to come up with something comprehensive, and I am starting to wonder, why not me? I see parts here and there from different people. I see things and say, “This would be a good idea, but it doesn’t address that issue.” Maybe I should be the one to try and put it all together in a package that everyone can understand and get behind. At the very least, at least I would have tried.
More than that, if I can really get myself disciplined, perhaps I could try some fiction as well, but not be Randian about it. Not interject my philosophy and make a mess of things in the process, just write enjoyable stories. Possibilities. What’s the purpose though? To work for myself, so I can get everything together and really follow my dreams, follow the things which really bring me joy. Growing food, having a house to fix up. Yes, as much as I complain, I really enjoy the feeling of seeing some awesome work I did to fix a problem on my home. And cooking. I love cooking, I really do, I like it even better when someone enjoys the food I’ve prepared. I think giving someone else an enjoyable experience, particularly one as vital as food, is just about the most amazing thing you can do. In order to do these things, either the system needs to change where I can follow these dreams without worry of myself going hungry or homeless. Or I need to save the capital and get the investors in order to make these things a reality.
When I say, my dreams, I mean last night I literally had a dream I owned a restaurant/bar honestly. Plus, if I don’t open a bar/restaurant, who’s going to bring the bands I love to play in the place I love to live? Who wants to go to Milan to see Propagandhi or Bad Religion, All for Nothing, Sick of it All, Wisdom in Chains, The Descendents? To name a few. Plus, I can really cook some awesome food. But I realized I’d need to keep it simple here, folks don’t really seem to go too crazy with their pallets. That’s fine, I can do frittes and soups all day! Over the next couple weeks I really need to get my shit together and get moving on something, because in the end if you don’t even try all you can left with is regret. Even if you fail, as long as you’ve done your best you’ve done something.
Do I think I’ll change the world? Be some sort of hero? Nope, not at all. Just need to give things a try, don’t care what happens. I think I need to do these things. I like the person I am, I like most of the people I know (hahaha I’m not telling you who’s who!), I’m generally happy, and I know most of my unhappiness comes from other forces. But I ask myself what I am doing with my life and as much as I’m helping, I ask if there is more I can try to do. I also ask if there’s something which can bring me more happiness, and when I look at these things, the answer is yes, it’s possible. That doesn’t mean it will, it just means it’s worth exploring, it’s worth trying. If I can also help people on a broader scale at the same time, that’s a huge bonus.
In the end, the fiscal independence to really follow my heart is what I think I’m after. I think it’s what everyone is after. There should always be a way to do that, follow your heart. So that’s what I’ll look for and see where it takes me, and maybe I end up staying right as things are. But I have these dreams and they seem like good ideas, so I will take a look.

Have fun, keep running and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!

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