We’re going to be a little serious today (more than normal)
Preface: If this offends you, if you don’t want to read anymore, that’s fine. Don’t want to hear an argument, if you don’t understand what I’m saying here, research it, don’t throw a bunch of hypothetical situations at me, and don’t try and justify things to me.
I’ve been in a bad mood for a while now. People say really insensitive things to me all the time. They don’t realize it, and they never want to hear a reason why it’s insensitive so I always try to let it slide. This last week, I’ve struggled with that massively. It’s my problem, and it’s my fault. I’ve known for so many years now how little people care about saying nasty things to me. Most of the time my own family isn’t even interested in hearing me out as to why something bothers me. So I keep that inside, and I don’t say anything. It seems like I talk a lot, but I’m never really saying anything. It’s how I protect myself. It seems paradoxical, but trust me it’s not.
When people accuse me of not caring, it really is just too much. My whole life has been spent with a very acute awareness of the pain we cause each other, our evolutionary cousin animals and plants, how much stress we put on our environment. I have always been very aware of my own mortality, and the mortality of those around me, those I care about. Every day countless atrocities are carried out across this world, every single person carrying out these atrocities is absolutely certain they are justified. There are people who think what they are doing is justified, and there are others that think they aren’t. There doesn’t have to be a “war” for these things to happen, we do them every day, without fail. To point to one event or another and claim yours was better or worse does nothing to change things. The fact that these things keep happening, mean nothing we have done has stopped it. Which means we have to find a new way, something that hasn’t been tried in full yet. It means we need a full shift in consciousness. We also have to stop justifying our actions that keep the cycle moving. Even I have to do that. But on a broad scale, just because someone killed your brother, doesn’t mean you should go kill them. Because there will always be someone aggrieved. It doesn’t mater who started it, it will just keep going.
But if you want to tell me I don’t know about x, y, z event, and it was just too terrible, beyond my comprehension, since I’m too stupid to know about this thing (which, chances are I do know about x, y, z event and it’s irrelevant to what I’m saying) I want you to think about this. The worst genocide on the face of the planet was carried out over the course of centuries, in my homeland, and no one raised an army to stop it, no one talks about it, no one says “remember x, y, z event so it never happens again”. Don’t believe me, here’s a more milquetoast accounting of the Native genocide on the American continent. Until you get that horrible shit happens every single day to humans, animals, plants, and the planet itself, and that the truly worst things human beings have ever done aren’t even talked about generally, don’t tell me about how much such and such event justifies murdering people, even the murder of other people. It won’t end until we all see there is never a justification. If it’s wrong the first time, then it’s wrong the second time, and it keeps being wrong, and self-preservation is not an acceptable excuse.
Because I’m so upset about this, I’m going to keep going and then you get another song. So anyway, I put enough pressure on myself with these things. Every day getting that if something terrible were to happen to my friends or family, I know I can’t justify doing the acceptable thing and seeking revenge. That doing that makes my whole life a lie, and leaves me with a wasted life. This idea has been something I’ve understood for only a short time, but something I’ve felt my whole life.
If you’ve ever been called a friend by me, know that I have imagined your death. It’s strange but I’ve always done it, I’ve always understood that everyone I know will die, and my mind has always wandered to “How will I feel when so-and-so dies?” which inevitably leads me to different scenarios in which people die. It’s all terribly depressing, knowing your friends and family won’t be there one day. Why speed that up? But these things keep me up at night, they made me terribly depressed when I was younger. Even today it’s upsetting at times, because when it really does happen it sucks. It’s why I hate going to funerals and stuff, I’ve already been there, and they’re a reminder that I have to keep doing it. So when I can avoid funerals I do.
Now I don’t want to share anymore today, I will run tomorrow and I may not share then either, I might not share for a while. I’m very upset and I need to calm down, I need to get my shit together, put it in a shit backpack, take it to the shit store and sell it, I don’t care what I do with it, I just need to get my shit together.
Meanwhile, stop thinking any war is anything more than an attempt by those in power to grab more resources and control. The terrible things the true-believers do in the name of this power-grab are irrelevant. Even without a war we do terrible things in the name of resources. This laptop, your computer screen you’re reading this on right now, the cellphone you press to your ear, your television, all manner of modern conveniences, made with the products of slave-labor. Not even going to get into stupid shit like whale hunts and elephant and rhino poaching. the poverty this system causes is a world-wide epidemic, that’s sickening enough. But one more word. That hamburger you’re eating, amazing cruelty went into farming that meat, not to mention the destruction it caused to the environment, and the starvation it caused because the 9 lbs of plant protein that went to feed that cow for 1 lb of cow protein could have fed 9 times more people than you and the 3 others that are enjoying that quarter-fucking-pounder with cheese. Do the math, 4 people, 36 people. Don’t you even begin to tell me I don’t understand, that I don’t know, and that I’m just stupid. In conclusion, just because I don’t start crying about some war crime, when war crimes happen ever single day on this planet, don’t tell me I don’t care. Just because I won’t submit to your idea that a particular war crime is justification for committing your own murders, don’t call me stupid. In short, fuck you. Negativity over. Going to get my shit together now.
Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!
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