Today hurts a bit
No seriously, my left foot hurts, a new sort of pain I haven’t felt before, right behind my middle toes. But I managed to get through 5 miles, and not a bad time, not a good time either. After yesterday’s great performance, I expected today would be a little tougher. Hopefully, everything will have sorted itself by Saturday.
Meanwhile, everything is working itself out. I have lots of family and friends who are of course very supportive, and in the right way. They don’t tell me what they think I want to hear, we just talk and have fun, and if I need help with something, I know they’re there. One thing bothered me on my run today, and I shouldn’t dwell on things, but this is important.
So, the thing about my vegetarianism, which I think you all already know, it’s not a dietary choice because I think it will make me thinner, stronger, or faster. It’s not a dietary choice based on fashion or popularity. This is about the environment, it’s a moral choice, it’s an ethical choice. That being said, I get some people who say they are vegetarian eat fish sometimes, they are not vegetarian, fish is not on a vegetarian menu, end of. Now, I understand that salted cod (bakala, which I hated eating even when I did eat meat) is a HUGE thing on New Year’s Eve in Southern Italy. That does not mean, under any circumstances I am going to eat it! I don’t eat fish! I don’t care if it would insult so-and-so, or that there’d be nothing else to eat.
This, by far, was one of the dumbest arguments I’ve ever had in my life. It shows a complete disregard for me as a person, my choices, my conscience, my life. This isn’t one of those “do this for me” situations. I made a choice that all creatures deserve to live and that since I don’t require them to die for me to live, then I will not enable their destruction to the very best of my ability. What amazes me is how anyone who reads this regularly could be mistaken for anything else. But in the end, it’s about control, it’s about power. “How far can I get this person to compromise themselves to ‘prove’ that they love me?” But in the end, that’s not love at all. That’s power, that’s manipulation, and all it serves to do is destroy that which you claim to love.
Why did I think about all this? Because running through the port, all the fishermen are out selling their catch, people are buying it, and the smell (the smell of fish has always made me a little sick) and the sight of all these creatures sitting on a table, dead or dying, makes me sad. I accept that I must deal with it, I accept that this is how these people make a living, this is how over 1/6th of the world’s population gets their protein (fish), but I won’t like it. I also won’t participate in it. You’re talking to a kid who bitched out a veterinarian at 6 years old because I found a cat dying on the side of the road, carried the cat over a mile and a half to the office, and they refused to heal the cat, because who was going to pay for it? No, I’m not going to eat fish so somebody feels better. And if that’s what it takes for you to feel loved, you will never be happy, nor secure in any relationship, because people all have a limit with that stuff.
I am going to try to stop complaining about this whole thing, but I feel like I have been keeping so much inside for so many months, because you just ignore so much from others when you’re in a relationship with them. But the other part is, I think I’m realizing exactly why I am upset about these things. Stuff like the bakala show a complete disregard for me as a person. It’s basic respect, and I think I should point that out when I notice it. Because, I don’t think even the person doing it realizes what they are doing all the time. So, maybe my sharing these things can get people to realize what they are doing to others, or that they are in a bad situation that maybe they should get out of. I stood up, and I respected my choices, and my lifestyle, regardless of how angry it made someone else. We should always do the same thing, unless our lifestyle hurts other people intentionally.
Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!
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Almost incredible effort
I say almost, because I have the run tracking data to prove what I did! Went out and smoked it today! That run was 5 seconds off my 5 mile race PR. For a lot of the people I know, a 39 minute 5 mile is nothing to be too excited about, but for me it is. I knew I went out fast, I could feel it, but I didn’t check my watch until I started to feel a little sluggish just to see how fast I was going and if I should slow down. I looked down half a mile in and decided to keep going, as I was putting in about a 7:30/mi (4:45/km).
I was basically able to keep my foot on the gas through 3 miles. Slowed down a little for the last two. First time in a long time I strung together 3 sub-8 minute miles, and averaged sub-8 over 5 miles. Obviously, I haven’t dropped any physical weight in a day, and I didn’t get physically stronger in a day. Tomorrow I plan on going slower again, dropping back down to my regular training pace. This morning, however, I just let go, mentally. I was upset about the past 48 hours and I thought to myself “Why am I upset? what did I do wrong?” Once I let go and realized that it didn’t matter if that person was going to blame me, or think bad things about me, I was free.
I felt free to be me again, I felt free to step back and look at the world again, to look at things with a new sense of wonder, to rediscover that which had been lost and stifled by someone so demanding of my attentions and so bent on convincing me of my own mediocrity and encouraging complacency within it. Letting go of all those bad feelings, starting to rid myself of the anxiety of “having”to answer to the buzz of my phone every time a message came through, this is the dawn of the freedom I remember.
I always say we should love others so they feel they are free, and if you can’t do that, and if you feel like you aren’t free because of your love for another, then you should leave. That relationship is not for you. The biggest problem most people have, including myself, is an inability to listen to our own good advice. I truly believe that setting myself free from the oppression I was under, even though self-imposed, is solely responsible for my effort today. I am completely proud of that effort, and hope to expand upon it, to focus on getting leaner, not thinner, leaner, and faster. This isn’t about looks, there is still no vanity in me, save that I want to run faster, not to win prizes, I know I can never be that fast, but I want to see what I am capable of.
In order to perform your best physically, mentally, emotionally, you must have people around you helping you in those goals. If people are holding you back, as long as they don’t have legitimate concerns about your health and well-being, then you have to let them go. Example: If you know you have 10 lbs (4kg) of fat sitting around on your body, based on best estimates that equates to about 60 seconds slower in 5km (assuming 2 seconds per mile, per pound). Now, if you are already rail thin and have no fat on you and people are trying to stop you, then yes, they should do that, you could hurt yourself. On the other hand, if someone grabs your man-boobs and tells you not to lose them because they won’t find you attractive, that’s not helping you in fact, that’s sabotaging you. Not to mention, doing it in public when you already are not a fan of public physical displays is outright demeaning.
Yes, I’ve lost a lot of weight, but I still have fat. I make bad dietary choices sometimes to compound the problem. I need to stop drinking beer, probably stop drinking completely. Cut back on pasta, and sweets. However, when you have someone intentionally trying to keep you in a physical condition that you don’t want to be in, that makes it tougher. Be healthy about how you go about losing weight, or building muscle, or whatever you want to do, don’t take shortcuts, don’t follow trends which can sometimes do more harm than good. If you are struggling to get where you want to be, consult reputable professionals, or even friends who have gone through what you are. Don’t let anyone hold you back from where you want to be though.
That was it today though, I was free, truly free. I didn’t worry about the fact my shoes are way over 500 miles (800km), I didn’t think about my weight, my time, my weekend, my week, what things were going to be like going forward, I just ran, and kept thinking about each step and making sure my feet were landing securely and safely. I ran free, I ran the way I wish I could always run. It was beautiful, it was as close to perfect as anything I have ever done. This might be my best training run, as much as Hartford was definitely my best marathon. But even there, I made mistakes that cost me. Today, even over such a relatively short distance, it was just me, the road, the air, and my stride. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.
Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!
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It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, for clichéd songs!
Yeah, forget that mess, got out and ran late, because I had a late night, because the end of October tends to close chapters for me. I’ve lost a job on Halloween, and now a relationship. I tend not to talk specifically about relationships on here, because it can be problematic, and it is problematic. But now that this one is done, keeping with standards, and not naming names or pointing anyone out, I will detail what went wrong.
Just so everyone knows, I’m actually not upset. I’m quite fine. This is probably the best I’ve ever felt after a breakup. I just want to point out, I deal with a lot of stuff from people, I forgive over and over even as my own ability to cope deteriorates, but there is one thing I have zero tolerance for, physical violence. I don’t care if it hurts, I don’t care if I was being a complete asshole about something, you hit me in anger, relationship over. I, if you couldn’t tell, have a lot of my own anger inside. I’m constantly terrified of losing control and hitting someone. So once you do, I’m gone, because I’m not going to leave myself in a situation where I will be tempted to act in such a manner, simply because I’m not sure I could deal with that afterward. I would feel like a massive failure. So that’s what ended it, but let’s talk about some warning signs that I should have looked out for, and how I should have ended things much earlier.
Now don’t get me wrong, overall, this person was a very kind human being. Always very helpful, very kind-hearted, very generous. So what’s the problem, you may ask. Well, completely insecure. I am not the type of person for someone who is insecure. I am generally a loner, an extroverted-introvert if you will. I generally want to keep to myself, but I am super nice to talk to and want to help everyone out and want to be kind. But I generally don’t want to spend too much time with most anyone. I can run, blog, work, eat, watch stuff, read stuff, play games, without talking to another soul except where necessary and be completely at ease and happy. What all this means is, I’m not always up for giving all the details of my day, I honestly don’t want people prying too much. Not because I’m not doing anything wrong, but because I am private, yes, I AM PRIVATE! So, no I don’t want to play 20 questions about all my friends.
So it started when I went to the USA for a month this Summer to see family. If I didn’t want to talk on Skype, it meant, apparently, I didn’t want to talk to this person. Not true, I just don’t always want to be tethered to a computer or phone with a camera in my face, see above about introverts. Then, if I didn’t answer a WhatsApp message within a few minutes, I would get accused of not wanting to speak to this person anymore. Right here, I should have called it quits. But my family was so happy I actually decided to let someone into my life. I was wrapped up in a certain amount of new relationship whatever.
Then in Denmark, things get worse. The problem was, in jailbreaking my phone, I didn’t realize I needed to manually set up the TIM APNs. Holy crap, that’s really when the accusations of cheating started. A friend from my previous job was accused, a friend from bookfaces whom I never actually met, a friend’s wife. Constantly, and it didn’t matter what I said, or what was real, there was an argument that was going to happen. If I tried to avoid it, or just told the truth. The worst is when I told the truth, I’d be told how I was lying. Every time it was heartbreaking, it was brutal. It was absolute abuse. But I stuck with it, because overall they were a nice person, and I figured when I got back to Italy all would be better.
Nope, on my birthday, because I had gone to play beer pong with a friend from work and some students months before, and I didn’t bother to tell them about something so insignificant (no offense to those involved, I totally had fun, but I mean it’s fucking beer pong), holy crap the fight that ensued was ridiculous, and the worst part is, it was my birthday, and I let them make me feel like crap when I did nothing wrong. That, right there, should have absolutely been enough for me, I mean it’s a birthday right. But I was good and patient and I told myself it would get better.
Needless to say it didn’t. New job, new coworkers, new accusations. Old friends, new accusations. I thought it would get better, but it actually sped up and got worse, It went from once a month, to once every couple of weeks, to once a week, and this past weekend, it was actually twice in the weekend!
The last straw came when I tagged them in a photo, on their request. They saw a name pop up in the bookfaces person tagging screen on my phone, a friend. And immediately I tensed and felt sick when I heard “Who’s that?” Well that’s what started the end. I just wanted out of the apartment at that moment. Notice I’m not being a dick and demanding they leave my apartment. I’m leaving, even at the end, I worry about people, it was cold here last night for people who live around here, it got into the single digits centigrade. So it was in the mid-high 40s F. As she’s giving me the “after all I’ve done for you!” shit. Like I don’t do anything for people. Not the first time she pulled that one out. But anyway, I tell them, at this point when they talk to this friend and find out I didn’t cheat, we are done. Because it’s just too far at this point, I was giving them a choice to trust in me or end it. But then that made things worse, I didn’t realize it was, because they told me they already knew this friend. So I figured tomorrow they’d contact this person and it’d be over.
Now, when you demand of me my telephone, to call someone you are convinced I was cheating on you with, that’s not going to happen. When you clutch my shirt and jam your hand down my pants to try and remove my phone, definitely not on. And when I turn to leave my apartment, and you hit me in the back, I’m done. Completely unacceptable. There are things I could have done better, but I don’t feel any remorse about them. I never did anything terminally wrong. I was just true to myself, and I let some damage be done to some friendships because I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and say no earlier. That’s what I regret, that one friend got a late night bookfaces add with bizarre questions asked of them, and other friends didn’t get messages answered as promptly as they should have been, or I didn’t call them when I should have, because their troubles were greater than mine, yet I was too timid to stand up to someone trying to control my life.
Many points, I could have, and should have cut this short, and I didn’t and that was my mistake. In spite of my rejection of most societal norms, I definitely let the pressure get to me and I wasn’t true to myself. That’s very difficult to deal with, I feel like a fraud, but hey, matters of the heart are more complicated than social justice, economic justice, environmental justice right? OK, I’m good. You be good too, and don’t let anyone push you around. I don’t care what they do, if they’re doing things for you in exchange for your obedience and your betrayal of yourself, your friends, your family, they are NOT doing things for you, they are doing them for themselves, in order to gain a new possession, only this time the thing they are getting is you. Unacceptable. Sorry to be so heavy today, but that’s that. And no seriously, I’m fine, for the first time after a breakup, I’m totally fine, and I shared, because I don’t want anyone else ending up where I ended up. If I didn’t walk away last night, it wouldn’t have got better, it would have kept getting worse. Tomorrow, a new day and hopefully more good news! Today I feel lighter, I feel more secure with myself, I feel better about me and re-energized on my path. Keep that #PMA!
Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run, then so can you!
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