Taking things head on
That’s what I did today. When I woke up my foot actually didn’t hurt, didn’t even hurt to walk on it, but mid-way through the run I started feeling it again. I didn’t use it as an excuse, I didn’t let it slow me down, and I didn’t shorten my run. Either something will break (physically or mentally and I’ll have to rest) or it will heal. Overall, I’m completely pleased with my effort today.
I must confess, most of my thoughts still revolve around Monday and how disturbing the whole situation was for me. It’s very difficult for me to cope with being called a liar over and over and over again, particularly since anyone who knows me knows I’m honest to a fault. I’m honest to the point I don’t spare people’s feelings. The really hard thing is, I think it damaged my trust in people. Even though things like that have been temporary in the past, I don’t like it. I don’t like people trying to change me, and I don’t like it when they succeed, even temporarily.
The way I see it at this point, it either was a narcissistic need for power, for control, and a way of eroding my confidence and my self-worth. Or it was a complete lack of trust in me as a decent human being or it was a complete lack of valuing oneself, and thinking they had nothing to offer and they had no worth, so I should be brought down to feel as low. None of those things are a sign of love. When you love someone, you don’t try to control and change them, you trust them, and believe in them, and you trust yourself and believe in yourself. Even after talking to the last person they accused me of cheating with, the person claims I cheated. Even though any casual observer knows that to be completely false. I’m not going to let it get to me, I will heal and I will move on from this, in my usual time. I am awkward in my personal relations with people. It happens, there are certainly things I could have done better. I could have stayed more patient during the crazy,machine-gunned, repeated questions and accusations. But I’m not patient with those things, and regardless of how anyone viewed what was said, they were accusations.
I fight on, I will get up off the mat, and I will get back in it. I think I just wished I had the turn-around with matters of the heart as I do with running. I’m much more protective of it than I am with the rest of my body. This is also why I don’t mention names on here unless I need to. Not just to protect what little privacy I want, but to protect anyone I talk about, even if I’m angry with them, even if I don’t ever want to see them again, no matter how badly they hurt me. I also work to keep things as gender neutral as possible, so that people can imagine whatever situation they are comfortable in. Because how can I relate to everyone, if my language is necessarily exclusive of segments of the population. It may seem like I just sign on and throw a bunch of stuff up on a page and let my mind fly, but I actually put a lot of thought into these. I put a lot of thought into life. I think even my friends don’t understand how much effort I put into things sometimes. Because I do have a certain amount of ease about myself, my style, my speech pattern,it all seems very easy and lazy, and it’s really not. Sometimes people take that as me not caring, they’re generally wrong.
Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!
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