Gil Can Run!A blog on Running and all the crap that runs through my head while doing it

Dec 18th A new league record…

I felt good this morning, really good. It was a little colder than the weather report had said it would be, but it worked out in the end. My race today ended in a new PR! I lost a few minutes at the end because my legs started cramping really bad. So let’s talk logistics and performance. The cramping was not good. The race itself was fantastic as far as views. I mean you’re running down the Adriatic coast of Puglia, what could be bad about that? Now the strange thing was they didn’t have a food stop until 25km in (15 miles or so). Luckily, I brought an energy bar with me to eat in the first hour, knowing I would not be past the halfway point one hour in. The course was decent, Bisceglie and Molfetta are pretty hilly (for the course) and they have too many turns through the cities. But overall, physically the course is not very demanding.
Other than that my stomach also cramped a little at the end, but it turns out I just needed some coffee and some yogurt. When I crossed the finish line, my legs were so cramped they made me go in the medical tent. Made me, like they did not give me a choice, and it upset me. I didn’t sit down, I didn’t take any treatment, I just stood there, drank some orange drink they gave me, and that was that. I had to fill out my information in some book, that was annoying. They make such a big deal out of things here sometimes, and it bothers me. I had no need for medical assistance, they were leg cramps, I had just ran 42 km, and frankly drank too much yesterday. Yeah, I imagine I wouldn’t have cramped up if I hadn’t been so irresponsible with alcohol yesterday. But that’s not a big deal, still managed about a 6 minute PR.
So I just have 3 days left to work and then it’s time for my flight back to the US. I want to see my family, and friends, but I really don’t want to go to the US. On my personal bookface page someone threatened me via Personal Message today. Not someone I know, just someone who called themselves a Drumpf supporter who took umbrage at me calling Drumpf supporters dumb pieces of garbage. Sorry if you’re a Drumpf supporter, but I stick by my statement. Biggest con-man ever! Just packed his cabinet with a bunch of business elites and complete morons. But yeah, he’ll look after the little guy. How stupid do you have to be?
But I digress, today is about the PR. The long story short, if you’re looking for a European marathon, and don’t mind the ridiculous regulations the Italian sports federation, FIDAL, puts on athletic competition in Italy, with medical exams required, basically paying an extra fee to the federation in the form of a “RunCard”, and having to print out the email confirming your entry, which they send you, to show them at packet pickup, then this marathon is totally worth it. I will run it again, assuming I am lucky enough to still be living here. I definitely enjoyed it, and perhaps I will be able to make some helpful suggestions for next year’s edition. This was the 3rd running of the Maratona delle Cattedrali, so there should be many more to come.
Next race is the Chilly Chili 5k in Orange, CT on New Year’s Day. Don’t know what to expect there, I am going to assume I will be healed, but the conditions may not be optimal for running a great race. We shall see. But for now, I think a glass of wine and maybe an appetizer may be in order. I certainly earned some extra food today. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I hope. A mile in the morning is going to be super tough. Oh as I turned the corner to get to the start, and could see the Cathedral of Barletta, this song came on my walkman, I guess my music was giving me a message for how I’d do today.

Dec 17th Back to the races!

In the morning I go after a new challenge. The 3rd edition of the Maratona Delle Cattedrali. I have been running every day, as is my challenge in the Holiday Season. I have been neglecting you, as my schedule has been a little more taxing than I was anticipating. My mile this morning was nothing to write home about, but I have been running well, and feel good for tomorrow. It seems we will have good weather for this venture.
I am feeling good, but I am worried about tomorrow. It’s been a long time since my last marathon. Can I stay focused? I don’t know. If my training runs are any indication, it should be no worse than any of my others, and if my shorter runs are any indication, I could PR. It’s a fairly good course, not much in the way of hills, only going into and out of Bisceglie. This is the closest a marathon course has ever come to my home. When we turn to go to the Cathedral of Saint Nicholas in Trani, I will be within 0.10 miles of my apartment. That part is the same road I run every day, and the course continues around the port and down the lungomare like I do most days. So I am familiar with this part of the course, which is good.
Overall, while excessively annoying and unnecessary, the medical exam wasn’t that bad. It’s basically a stress test. So if you want to run in Italy, which you should come visit and run, get a medical certificate done. If you want ask, and I’ll find a link for you. They’re good for a year, and your doctor wherever you are can fill it out. Apparently, you have to have one to do anything athletic in this country. Anyway, it will be a nice run, good weather, beautiful scenery, and let’s hope good support. Although looking at the planned aide stations, no food until 25km into the race. I am packing an energy bar in case, I definitely will need something one hour in. I don’t want to bonk.
Then, I just have to finish up my classes Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, then it’s travel time. Vacation in the US! To see my family of course. If they weren’t there, I really would have no reason to go back. Sorry friends, I live in the far superior destination now, you need to get your asses on planes and come visit. I will always try to have a place with at least an extra bed. I certainly know enough places with good deals for rooms too. The point is, come visit.
I am cutting it short tonight, I have to stretch and relax and make sure I have everything ready for tomorrow morning. When I wake up in the morning and see how I’m feeling I’ll make my judgements about what goals I want out of tomorrow. As always, right now, I’m figuring between 4-4:30 hours. We will see. Hope everyone in the Northeast US is faring well against the snow. Hope everyone in my running club had fun at the Christmas Party last night, sorry I couldn’t be there!

Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!

Dec 11th Lots of random thoughts

So I’m running down the road today, and the shirt I was in was rubbing me to wrong way. Literally, after only 4 miles I could feel the soreness on the man-nips. Side-note, you need proof of evolution, look no further than the man-nipple, there is zero reason for them, none at all, yet we have them. Why? Evolution, what “intelligent” designer would leave something so useless in a design? Anyway, it is fun to run with no shirt on while everyone else is bundled up like it was -6 out or something! It was not here, it was 10 degrees C, which is about 40 F. Not bad at all. I mention -6 because that was the temperature in New Haven today.
It is the one sad thing about living here, this is my favorite running weekend when I’m back in Connecticut. The Roxbury Marathon was Saturday and the Christopher Martin’s Holiday Run for Children 5k is today. Seeing all my friends having fun running, and drinking after the 5k, made me sad I missed it. Lots of fun overall. Even though it’s always super-cold this weekend. It’s great to see almost the whole running crew in one weekend. Only a few of us run both races, but between the two races I see almost everyone local.
Back to the run, so I’m sitting there with my shirt pulled over my head so it’s not chafing, and everyone’s staring at me. Look, I get I’m not all chiseled and ripped and whatever, but holy crap, who wants that pain? And it’s not that cold, says the guy lamenting he couldn’t run a marathon in below freezing temperatures. But it is amusing, they get so cold because they’re simply not used to the temperature getting much colder than it is right now. If there are days here below freezing, they don’t last long. I worry that one day I’ll be like them! That I will not retain my inherent New Englander toughness.
Beyond that, everything is working well. That twinge in my hamstring is back, just as a background annoyance. I’m on track to match last year’s mileage total, after basically taking the months of May and June off this year, I’m rather impressed with that, but after the first of the year, I’m definitely taking it easy for a bit again.
Being that I will return to the area in just under 2 weeks now, I’m starting to prepare, and planning on running a 5k on New Year’s Day! I’m waiting to hear from the organizers about where I enter my discount for my running club. Why pay full price if you don’t have to? I also got my neices and nephew’s Christmas presents, got myself Christmas presents haha! Have to get something for my mom, which is actually for the house, and I’m good there. My Christmas presents aren’t presents at all, I need a blanket and an extra set of sheets. Through all my idealism, my philosophy and everything, I’m imminently practical. Constantly worrying about what needs to be done. It’s maddening being so irresponsibly responsible.
Either way, I’m getting it done and making it happen and fighting the good fight. I think that’s what matters in all of it. I was saddened today on my run though, as a plot of land I had been eyeballing had the “For Sale” sign removed and someone was riding their tractor around plowing the field. It’s ok, I have plenty of time and there will be other plots of land to grow things on. But still.
As far as Turkey goes, yes I’m saving it for last. Listen people, anyone who tells you this bullshit is about religion is making money off all this crap. Fuck this bullshit, everyone needs to calm the fuck down. The West, the East, the Middle East, everyone needs to calm the fuck down. I’ve just absolutely had enough of this bullshit, and it’s all bullshit. It’s all about who controls the resources and who wants to control the resources. And you want to end all of it really fast? Really end it, because killing ISIS only grows another group in its place, nope you want to end it? Knock it off with oil, kill the phony “war on drugs”, and put your dicks away. Yes, ending fossil fuel use destroys much of their revenue stream. Even though we’re not “supposed” to, assholes like Rex Tillerson and Vlad Putin buy the oil from these fucks. Then, they do some heroin growing of course. Which if you ended the drug war, firstly ends most of the draw of drugs (reference Portugal), people can grow openly, so there’s no need for weapons or anything to protect their crops, so they won’t work for strongmen and whatnot, they can just work on their own, and it would be a legal, traceable supply chain. Yep, drugs are terrible, but at least if it’s out in the open, we can actually address it like the health issue it has always been. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Then your penis. Look, most of the human trafficking which occurs, most of the human slavery is women, as sex slaves. 0ver 80% of the women smuggled into the US, as slaves, last year, were smuggled in for the Sex Industry. Re-read what I just said. There are slaves, in the US, most of them are women, most of them are forced into labor as sex slaves (reference Jimmy Carter’s book on the subject). Seriously, guess who is a giant player in slave-trading? Yep, ISIS. So seriously people, you are funding them, and then agog they exist. Just stop, and realize you can actually do something to help. By just saying no to oil, the war on drugs, and the sex industry. Sorry folks, that’s the way it is.
I just want all this to end, I’m sick of it.

Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!

Dec 9th Great run today, you can’t control anything

Today was one of those days where things just clicked, for the most part. The plan was to do 6.2 miles (10km), but then as I was running down the road to Barletta, I realized, I could just run to the SS16 underpass and back and hit my 6.2. As I neared the underpass, I thought, “I’m feeling pretty good, let’s do more.” So I determined to turn around at 4, which gives me 8 miles when I get back to my apartment, or I can turn toward the cathedral and go around the port to the lungomare, and back to make 10. That’s what ended up happening.
For the first time in some time I felt good physically while running. That’s an important distinction. For a bit I had felt bad both physically and mentally. The other day when I posted again, I felt great mentally, but physically I still felt awful. Today was good. All around. I started thinking about how prepared I am for next Saturday. What I need to focus on, can I PR? Am I ready for that sort of effort, physically and mentally. My shorter training runs say I can, my long runs say I lack the discipline. I haven’t given a good look to the course elevation map. I have very good knowledge of the course from Barletta to Trani, but know nothing of most of the race. Trani to Giovinazzo is a mystery to me. I imagine it will be fairly similar. Most everything here is a gently rolling coastline. Nothing severe. So I will see during the week, and maybe I can manage a PR, and maybe not. Most of that comes down to focus for me. But my ten miles today was strong. I was close to 7.5 miles at 1 hour. But then there’s weather conditions, how I’m feeling that day, how I fuel. So much goes into it. I can’t worry too much. I think, as of now, I’ll shoot for my 3:45 improvement goal and just see how things unfold. Constantly traveling South means in there is a wind coming from the South it may undermine me. Let’s hope for the best.
It’s funny, as much thought as I’m putting into this, and all week I’ve been giving my students progress tests and telling them not to stress them. That they are only for me to look at and see what we need to work on more and so I have something to talk to their parents about if they come to the Parent-Teacher conference thing we have to do all next week. At the same time though, I don’t worry too much when the day arrives. I accept my results as they come and I understand some days I will hug the bear, and some days the bear will hug me (no not in THAT sense!). I do mean that in the traditional sense of the saying.
Which is something else I’ve been thinking about, I’m a euro, cis-gendered, straight, male. I try to keep things neutral because I think some of the things I have to say, most of the things I have to say, apply to everyone. But the fact is that sometimes they don’t. Because I come from a position of privilege, even if I was economically disadvantaged growing up, and continue to be to this day, simply because I refuse to enforce my “whiteness” or my “maleness” or anything else. It’s this weird thing I have. But even in my job which I have now, in this country. In general (there are exceptions), if I weren’t euro in lineage, I could not teach English. That’s a problem. It’s not uniquely American, it’s worldwide. Yasiin Bey (Mos Def) has a song about it, it’s true everywhere. It’s a system, meant to take from some and give to others.
I speak about the American experience, because that is what I’m used to, that is what I experienced. But as I’m here and I see more and more, I see that it really is everywhere and it’s not just an American thing. I always understood on some level, but as I gain more experience here and meet with generally well-meaning people, with very strange views of certain things, I realize how serious of a problem white-supremacy is. There is, around the world, a system set to benefit those of European descent above all others. People look at the supposed “liberal” European democracies and say, “But they allow this and that.” But the fact remains the system still favors those who look the part. It truly is stunning, and concerning to really start to realize how deeply ingrained the issue is.
So, yes, it all needs to be brought down, the system needs to be discarded and replaced with something which serves all creatures. Not just humans, we need to look at the whole Earth, and all its denizens as our family, and treat them accordingly. We need to stop worrying so much about the artificial boundaries and systems we put on ourselves, we need to see our potential as limitless, but the time and world which we live in as limited. If we want to explore our limitless potential we must evolve beyond this world. If we are so focused on conquering it, we cannot go beyond it. There is no control, there is no dominion over our fellow human beings, over the animals, over the Earth. There is no control over the Solar System, the Galaxy, the Cluster, Super-cluster, or Universe. There is only mastering ourselves and discovering what the Universe has to offer. If we focus on control of others, of things which simply don’t exist, we cannot move forward, and we cannot fulfill our destiny, our only purpose, which is to be the Universe, investigating, discovering, and learning about itself.

Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!

Dec 8th The case against the BQ

I have been tired and running has been difficult. But I got out today and did a few miles. My usual course was obstructed by a movie set. I suppose that’s the downside of living in one of the most beautiful places on Earth, right? But, it has been decided that I will run the Cathedral Marathon next weekend. It will be my first point-to-point marathon. A new experience, and it is the closest to a marathon the decision has been made to run it. Now I have to get myself prepared mentally.
More on marathons though: I had been reading about more people being found to have cheated in Boston Qualifier races. So I will make my case against Boston. I know people will disagree, but this is getting out of hand. First, let’s discuss what the cheating does.
So people want to run Boston, and many work very hard to reach the ridiculous qualifying times. I’m not saying it’s not something to be immensely proud of. It totally is, if I could run a 3:05 marathon, I would feel like I was king of the world, and I have all the love and respect for those who can. But, for all the people who work hard and do it honestly, the fact is a 3:10, or even a 3:5 doesn’t guarantee a 30-39 year old male a spot in the marathon, it only gets him on the list to maybe make it. Now, if you cheat and get a 3:04:59, and that ends up being where they cut off, because they have too many 30-39 year old makes, then the guy who got a 3:05 honestly doesn’t get his start. That’s totally not right. It goes against everything I’ve come to believe running is about.
To me, and to many I’ve met, running is about pushing yourself, competing against yourself, improving yourself. It’s not about accolades and awards. I don’t write this, or talk about my marathons to get congratulations from people, or their respect, or admiration or whatever. I do it to try and inspire others to improve themselves, to learn the joy of competing against yourself. People cheating to get in, they are doing it for glory, for aggrandizement, they want others to see what they have done. Let’s face it, if they wanted to do it just for them, they’d get a charity spot, and do it that way, or go the hard work route. I have one friend who worked so hard for a few years to get to a BQ, and he always just missed it. Every time I read of him just missing his time, I probably felt worse than he did, it was heartbreaking! Particularly since he was amazingly fast in shorter races when we were at University together. But it was still inspirational, and I respected the work he put in so much! He embodied everything running means, he didn’t give up until it became untenable. Since then he has found new challenges for himself and has taken them on with the same grit and determination, and he has thrived.
But, if Boston wasn’t such a dragon, if people didn’t put so much into it, if so many didn’t cheat their way in, the times would probably be a little less daunting to qualify. Maybe my friend’s hard work would have paid off. That’s the thing. The organizers make lots of money off the event and its exclusivity. They keep pushing this mystique of the race and so many organizations and publications make it the Holy Grail of marathons. It needs to stop.
42 km (26.2 miles) is the same anywhere you run it. I don’t care if the course has sections with legendary names like “Heartbreak Hill”. It doesn’t matter. I have run courses tougher than anything you find in Boston. I have certainly run some easier. I have reached my goals, and I have failed mightily and lost heart in races. I’ve been overjoyed, I’ve cried, I’ve felt like an unstoppable ubermensch, and I’ve felt like the lowest piece of crap on the planet! It doesn’t matter what city I’m running in, what course I’m running on. When I ran, unsupported, around Vesuvius I became so disheartened when I took the wrong turn. It didn’t matter that it was only a training run, it didn’t matter that I wasn’t racing, this was my marathon around the volcano. I had my goals, and I failed, simply because I was negligent with my gps directions. I made it, my time wasn’t too bad, but it wasn’t what I wanted.
That’s all running is, a fight with yourself, your body, your heart, your best and your worst all coming together to try and get that perfect 26.2 done. It doesn’t matter where it is, who is watching, or what other people think about it. All that matters is how you feel about your effort. Are you going to come out swinging and dominate your terrible performance next time? Are you going to keep pushing and break your new PR that you just set? Or are you just going to sit back and give up because you didn’t get what you wanted, or get lazy and complacent because you hit a new high and you don’t think you can ever get any better? None of it has anything to do with anything other than what’s in your own heart. It doesn’t matter if it’s in Boston, Massachusetts or Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, it only matters how you feel about it and how you react to whatever your best on that day was.
I’m not saying any of this to disparage anyone who makes an honest goal to reach Boston, or any other marathon, and compete with themselves there. But let’s just stop putting so much import on it. This will help some who are “on-the-bubble” and it will help discourage cheating. I know it’s the iconoclast in me not seeing anything special in Boston. I am generally immune to herd thinking and advertising. When I see something as popular, my instinct is to tear it down. I don’t want to do that with Boston, I understand its significance. But at the same time, I see the cheating, and the dragon-chasing, and it breaks my heart. To see dishonest people get to bask in stolen glory, while people who work hard go unrewarded. We need to scale everything down, and learn to find joy within ourselves.
It’s just as true in racing as it is in everyday life. The cheating to BQ is just a symptom of a system designed to leave us feeling like we lack, like we are not good enough, like we need more, and we need the adulation, the respect, the approval of others. That our happiness and well-being are dependent on others. We are social beings, it is true, and we do need a certain amount of acceptance, but we are complete within ourselves if we allow ourselves to be.
Just as none of my freedoms emanate from a government, or armed force, or writ, or consent of others, neither does my wholeness as a creature. I am not dependent on observation. I am, the energy of the Universe is vibrating at a certain frequency within the space which I occupy and it creates a me. What I do with that is entirely mine, how I express it is up to me. Of course I have to act in accordance with the reactions of those other entities around me, but I am me and I am allowed to be me. More than that I’m allowed to be happy with me, and I’m allowed to accept my own respect and congratulations. By the fact of existing alone, I am entitled to exist. Yep, tautology. The same is true of any creature. Doesn’t matter how others perceive that creature. Doesn’t matter if it’s a human, a cow, a fly. Yes, we need energy to survive and so we must predate on some creatures, humans, like most complex organisms require energy from a source beyond themselves or the Sun. But you are complete, you are whole, you don’t need what they sell you, you are a self-contained meat-sack of kick-ass! Whether you BQ or not. For the record, if one day I were to run a marathon fast enough to BQ (which I most likely won’t) I would not run the race. I wouldn’t even enter the lottery, I just don’t care. I don’t like Boston as a city, it’s one of my least favorite places on the whole of planet Earth.

Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!

Dec 4th Tear it all down!

A new dawn on a new day and I managed to get myself up and out of bed for a run. It took some coaxing, and a carafe of coffee, but I managed. I didn’t run too far, I just am not feeling it. Overall, I’m enjoying my day. Even if there are troubles, and certainly there are.
9 days until the federally mandated deadline for the votes in the United States to be certified. I hope they can count everything properly before then and let everyone know this past month has just been a test. Apparently, last night, the presumptive cheeto-elect was made fun of on a comedy show and decided he needed to answer to how terrible it was. The guy is such an amazing loser. I’m so ashamed. But I have decided on complete non-cooperation and complete resistance to all of it. Less than 80,000 people (if the results hold) would decide the fate of the world for at least 10 years, if not more. Considering, the disingenuous dominionist assholes in Congress blocked a legitimate Supreme Court nominee.
But whatever may come my way because of all this I will take it and smile. With the knowledge that the outcome is completely unimportant, assuming January 20th happens as it is currently planned, all one can do is smile, assured that the world of humanity is already dead. At that point it’s about going out on my terms, in a way fitting a fighter. It amazes me how little progress has been made over the centuries. No matter what we learn, or what discoveries are made, there are always those who will demand to be ignorant, and they always find a way to gain power. This time I don’t see any way out until it is too late. At which point, may as well go down swinging.
I will always help any and all who ask for my aid, and I will always look on all creatures as my family, but those who reject science, sense, knowledge, compassion, I no longer will care for without their express asking. If you cannot see past your own lifespan, to the greater extent of the impact of humanity on our planet, and indeed our own survival, you don’t deserve a moment of my time. That’s the problem, the fool looks on his own life as all that there is. They do not see, nor have any interest in, the larger story of the Earth, the Solar System, Galaxy, or Universe. Even if they are aware of these things, even if they enjoy hearing about them, they don’t truly care. For if they did they would be able to see how small and insignificant their life is. Which is exactly why they do not wish to see, they wish to think of themselves as important and powerful men and women. The reality of the insignificance of one life is too much for their feeble minds to bear.
From there, why bother with any of it? Simple, while one life may be completely insignificant, all the lives together make a difference to the health and well-being of the Earth. Together, we all have an impact and make a lasting mark. Our mark at this point would be rightly called a skidmark. What has the modern human done to be proud of? We have surely destroyed the fragile ecosystem of the only planet we know of which can sustain us, and in return for what? Division of resources? Insanity! Anybody who looks at modern society with any pride, should be ashamed of themselves. Our greatest accomplishment is reaching our own natural satellite, and we did that over 40 years ago, and have not managed to do much more than that since.
Thousands of years from now, when the scars of our “civilization” has been cleared from the land by the Earth, as it finally heals itself from the wounds we inflicted in our quest for nothing, and the Voyager probes are finally happened upon by some alien civilization exploring the Universe as they should, what will they think when they search through our location for signs of life? I imagine them letting out a pitiful laugh, a desperate chuckle as they realize we lacked the vision to survive.
So let’s do more, let’s move past this, let’s accept that we are all going to die, and something new will come in our place. Let’s work toward being the best we can be. Not having the most. Let’s burn our money, burn our flags, tear down our Nations, tear down our walls. Let’s be done with the old ways, and let’s build something new in it’s place. That is where we need to be.
We need a new way, and we need to base it off the simple idea that we are all born equal. No matter where on the planet you are born you are equal. You have a right to be here, you have a right to water, food, shelter, clothing, comfort. You have a right to be the person you are, and we do have to accept that we also have to respect other people and creatures as being equal, and we cannot take from them, nor force our views upon them without their consent. Since only humans seem able to consent in a way other humans may understand, then we cannot take from animals. We also cannot take from humans who do not yet understand consent. Nor can we force our ideas or morality on these creatures. This is a simple basis of all things which I have come to believe in this world. Yet, most fail to meet these standards, I even fail to meet these standards at times, as I eat eggs and drink, and eat milk and milk products. I will live by these ideas though, and I will not consent to be governed by people who lost a vote, yet still won via a method to keep slavery as an institution. I also refuse my consent to be governed by an institution which relies on Gerrymandering to keep its majority, as it could not win a fairly drawn district. They do not fit my philosophy, as they force their views on people, with no mandate, with no majority, with no consent from those they suppose to govern.
That’s where I am today, it’s time to get rid of all of this, and we have to start talking about ideas which will replace it, or we have to face our certain doom, and I mean all of humanity. The Earth will survive, yet we will be evicted, violently. Nature does not suffer fools, that is an absolute certainty. Individually, or as a species, if we don’t listen to what the planet is telling us, it will remove us. We have a fossil record to prove that, it does not matter if you want to believe the Earth is only 6,000 years old, the fact is, it’s much older and has seen much more than you can imagine, and it will ensure it’s own survival, at the cost of yours. So you have a choice. You can move to make something sustainable now, which is the only way you can ensure yourself of having some lasting impact on the Universe, or we can continue on our way as we have been, which ensures our destruction and makes your life completely insignificant no matter what else may happen. Your life, as mine, will never be touted in a history book, but if we make real changes and make them now, and change our civilization, our consciousness, into something that lasts, those people who are across the Universe, Millenia from now, will be able to appreciate what we did. If not, there will be no one here to care about how much money you had, or how much property you owned, because those things are not real, and mean nothing. All the things we currently value and love, mean nothing.

Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!

Dec 3rd A Religious Experience and a New Beginning

I have taken a hiatus for the past two weeks, as I was completely rocked by everything that had been happening, and I had nothing at all good to say. I still don’t have much good to share. I have been running though, and been putting in some excellent times most days. Today was no exception.
The United States has a fascist incoming, and a friend pointed out, while he is a puppet of Putin, another friend pointed out that his US masters are Dominionists. What is a Dominionist? I have talked about this before, people who are actively attempting to bring about the “End Times” as laid out in the Book of Revelation, because you know, rapture and all. Basically, they’re idiots.
But today, on my run something amazing happened. I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I wasn’t thinking about much of anything. I was waving at the dogs being walked and saying hi to them, as I tend to do. Also, waving at people without dogs, as is my wont. But most of the time, even though my legs are tired (doing my club Holiday Streaking Challenge), and my lungs were straining in the colder air, I was smiling. Not because of the run, but I just felt like honestly smiling. Every now and then I would begin to laugh. No reason, I didn’t see anything funny, I didn’t think of anything funny, I just felt like laughing, honest laughing.
So I think back to the feeling I had after my first marathon, on that unseasonably warm February day nearly 3 years ago in Central Park. I was in agony, my legs felt like they would never work again, I had cried, and then my head felt empty. My body screamed at me as I walked down the steps of the 96th Street Subway Station. Yet, randomly, and for no reason I would just start laughing. Surely the smile could not be removed from my face no matter what the world were to bring me that day.
Today I didn’t have the pain, but that feeling of smiling and laughing was there. It’s not a “Runner’s High”, I didn’t run that far, just a 10k. A 10k has never imparted me with any euphoria. It was almost from the very beginning of the run as well. I didn’t care if people looked at me cross, I didn’t care about any of it. I just was enjoying it. As I have been thinking about it, even though I take things seriously, and I understand the gravity of things, and I get that we are in a very perilous time, I think I’m just a happy person. It was a joy, a happiness, a mirth which came from the very depths of everything within me. There was nothing forced or fake about it.
As I reflected on it, I realized the feeling was the one I imagine when I see the statues of the fat Buddha laughing. When you see those idols, you imagine it’s just a pure joy coming from a porcelain figure. Through all the angst, anger, ennui, everything that I feel, all that has been weighing on me, this laughter just burst forth, and I imagine it is what those statues feel. But it’s why I think that is my true nature, that is really me. In spite of all the horrible feelings, this laugh came, and it was just fantastic.
I’m still me, I still think most everyone has it wrong (even me). I think this world is headed in a very bad direction. I think, as I said above, this is a dangerous time for humanity. I will fight, I will help those who ask, I will call idiots idiots, and I won’t apologize for it. I will get in faces, I will cause trouble, and I will instigate. But I will do it with joy, I think I always have. I just always thought I wasn’t supposed to be joyful about it. But I am, I am supposed to be happy. I’m a trouble-maker, I’m an iconoclast, I’m as much a destroyer as I’m a builder. The thing is, I realize that’s ok now. My whole childhood, adolescence, and my early adulthood has been people demanding I not destroy. People demanding conformity, obedience, passivity. While I’ve rejected these things always, I still always felt pangs of guilt about it. Honestly, I realize some of you will find that hard to believe, but inside I would feel bad sometimes. While I will destroy things sometimes, I always build something stronger in its place. That desire isn’t only metaphorical for me. I see rundown buildings and my mind immediately looks at the potential of what could be there. It is just one of the quirks of my mind, it’s an immediate desire to improve, to heal, to make something seemingly useless, useful. I love that feeling. I also love this weird, jovial, angry, fighter/healer, destroyer/builder, philosopher-idiot I see in the mirror every morning.
If my cantankerous, “bomb-thrower” (look it up if you don’t know, it doesn’t mean literally throwing bombs) personality gets me in trouble, or even killed, I’m ok with that. I’m also ok with friends not appreciating it, because anyone who doesn’t appreciate that, isn’t a friend. I’m not going to do anything to anyone, but if they say something that deserves being told to go fuck themselves, I’m not going to think twice about it anymore. I know I seem to some like I never think twice about things, but I do. I’ve always been so full of doubt, so unsure of every step I’ve taken. But I shouldn’t be unsure, I’m a fairly capable human being, and pretty good at finding reliable sources to base ideas and opinions on. I accept science, and accept that science can be wrong, it’s not absolute. I’ve been slowly stepping up, more and more, and becoming more of the person I want to be, and I think I finally realized how truly comfortable I am with that.
That’s where I’m at tonight. Find yourself in there, beyond that which the world has told you to be. Find that spark, get down in there past all the bullshit, find it and bring it to life, and love it, no matter what it is! Accept it, and enjoy it, it’s the real you, not what you present to the world as “acceptable”. Don’t let them tell you you’re not good enough as you. Don’t let them walk on you like that, be you and if anyone gives you trouble about it, you come see me, and if they need to be set straight, we’ll handle it. I know some people are thinking I’m condoning all sorts of possibly horrible shit. I’m not, I’m saying the you that is acting within the confines of yourself. I’m not saying you should punch people in the face, or force people to do things they don’t want to do, or impose yourself physically into anything. I would hope that’s understood. But be yourself and love it.

Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!

Nov 13th Still sucks

Got myself to run. Still not fucking around. Pretty sure I finish what I need to do this winter, maybe have to come back for some paperwork in July or August, and that’s it. Unreal.

Nov 12th Nothing good still

Ran. Having fucking anxiety attacks while running because America is about to have an actual fascist in power, thanks to a system created to keep slavery as a way of life. Fuck it.

Nov 11th Don’t want platitudes

Didn’t run, still at a loss. People don’t get why I’m upset, this isn’t about me.

Read this, it’s an NPR story about climate science and about how after 35 years the Hansen temperature model is still standing. Anthropogenic climate change is reality, and the stupid fucking American racist, fascist shits just elected a full government that will continue to ignore this and continue to push us to or perhaps past the point of no return. Anyone thinking we should be docile about this is a complete fucking idiot. All your bullshit that you whine about, all of it will be completely meaningless on a planet incapable of sustaining human life. Your precious penis replacement guns, equal rights, justice, equality, money, whatever the fuck you think is so fucking important to you means nothing if we can’t breathe the air, grow food and drink water. Fucking morons, all of you. Not just selfish conservative morally bankrupt, mentally inept fucking pricks. But all the liberals out there who didn’t bother because “waaaaa Bernie, waaaaa she supports bombing people, she won’t reign in the police. ” well, she would have at least upheld Paris, which may not be enough, but at least it was something.

Selfish fucking idiots. I don’t know how else to try, because I tried to be smart and nice about it. But so many people are so far up their own ass about life, it seems the only people they pay attention to are rude assholes. Yet only when those rude assholes apparently reaffirm their own head-up-thier-ass idiocy.

Science is real, money is fake, good luck breathing money, eating money and drinking money. Glad you don’t want to pay for it. Tell me more about how much you love your children, because you sure as fuck don’t act like it.