A Religious Experience and a New Beginning

I have taken a hiatus for the past two weeks, as I was completely rocked by everything that had been happening, and I had nothing at all good to say. I still don’t have much good to share. I have been running though, and been putting in some excellent times most days. Today was no exception.
The United States has a fascist incoming, and a friend pointed out, while he is a puppet of Putin, another friend pointed out that his US masters are Dominionists. What is a Dominionist? I have talked about this before, people who are actively attempting to bring about the “End Times” as laid out in the Book of Revelation, because you know, rapture and all. Basically, they’re idiots.
But today, on my run something amazing happened. I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I wasn’t thinking about much of anything. I was waving at the dogs being walked and saying hi to them, as I tend to do. Also, waving at people without dogs, as is my wont. But most of the time, even though my legs are tired (doing my club Holiday Streaking Challenge), and my lungs were straining in the colder air, I was smiling. Not because of the run, but I just felt like honestly smiling. Every now and then I would begin to laugh. No reason, I didn’t see anything funny, I didn’t think of anything funny, I just felt like laughing, honest laughing.
So I think back to the feeling I had after my first marathon, on that unseasonably warm February day nearly 3 years ago in Central Park. I was in agony, my legs felt like they would never work again, I had cried, and then my head felt empty. My body screamed at me as I walked down the steps of the 96th Street Subway Station. Yet, randomly, and for no reason I would just start laughing. Surely the smile could not be removed from my face no matter what the world were to bring me that day.
Today I didn’t have the pain, but that feeling of smiling and laughing was there. It’s not a “Runner’s High”, I didn’t run that far, just a 10k. A 10k has never imparted me with any euphoria. It was almost from the very beginning of the run as well. I didn’t care if people looked at me cross, I didn’t care about any of it. I just was enjoying it. As I have been thinking about it, even though I take things seriously, and I understand the gravity of things, and I get that we are in a very perilous time, I think I’m just a happy person. It was a joy, a happiness, a mirth which came from the very depths of everything within me. There was nothing forced or fake about it.
As I reflected on it, I realized the feeling was the one I imagine when I see the statues of the fat Buddha laughing. When you see those idols, you imagine it’s just a pure joy coming from a porcelain figure. Through all the angst, anger, ennui, everything that I feel, all that has been weighing on me, this laughter just burst forth, and I imagine it is what those statues feel. But it’s why I think that is my true nature, that is really me. In spite of all the horrible feelings, this laugh came, and it was just fantastic.
I’m still me, I still think most everyone has it wrong (even me). I think this world is headed in a very bad direction. I think, as I said above, this is a dangerous time for humanity. I will fight, I will help those who ask, I will call idiots idiots, and I won’t apologize for it. I will get in faces, I will cause trouble, and I will instigate. But I will do it with joy, I think I always have. I just always thought I wasn’t supposed to be joyful about it. But I am, I am supposed to be happy. I’m a trouble-maker, I’m an iconoclast, I’m as much a destroyer as I’m a builder. The thing is, I realize that’s ok now. My whole childhood, adolescence, and my early adulthood has been people demanding I not destroy. People demanding conformity, obedience, passivity. While I’ve rejected these things always, I still always felt pangs of guilt about it. Honestly, I realize some of you will find that hard to believe, but inside I would feel bad sometimes. While I will destroy things sometimes, I always build something stronger in its place. That desire isn’t only metaphorical for me. I see rundown buildings and my mind immediately looks at the potential of what could be there. It is just one of the quirks of my mind, it’s an immediate desire to improve, to heal, to make something seemingly useless, useful. I love that feeling. I also love this weird, jovial, angry, fighter/healer, destroyer/builder, philosopher-idiot I see in the mirror every morning.
If my cantankerous, “bomb-thrower” (look it up if you don’t know, it doesn’t mean literally throwing bombs) personality gets me in trouble, or even killed, I’m ok with that. I’m also ok with friends not appreciating it, because anyone who doesn’t appreciate that, isn’t a friend. I’m not going to do anything to anyone, but if they say something that deserves being told to go fuck themselves, I’m not going to think twice about it anymore. I know I seem to some like I never think twice about things, but I do. I’ve always been so full of doubt, so unsure of every step I’ve taken. But I shouldn’t be unsure, I’m a fairly capable human being, and pretty good at finding reliable sources to base ideas and opinions on. I accept science, and accept that science can be wrong, it’s not absolute. I’ve been slowly stepping up, more and more, and becoming more of the person I want to be, and I think I finally realized how truly comfortable I am with that.
That’s where I’m at tonight. Find yourself in there, beyond that which the world has told you to be. Find that spark, get down in there past all the bullshit, find it and bring it to life, and love it, no matter what it is! Accept it, and enjoy it, it’s the real you, not what you present to the world as “acceptable”. Don’t let them tell you you’re not good enough as you. Don’t let them walk on you like that, be you and if anyone gives you trouble about it, you come see me, and if they need to be set straight, we’ll handle it. I know some people are thinking I’m condoning all sorts of possibly horrible shit. I’m not, I’m saying the you that is acting within the confines of yourself. I’m not saying you should punch people in the face, or force people to do things they don’t want to do, or impose yourself physically into anything. I would hope that’s understood. But be yourself and love it.

Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!

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