A successful failure
That was my run today. Last two and a half miles were just terrible. I think I didn’t hydrate properly this morning. But what can you do? I got out, I ran a decent pace for most of it. Every now and then you just don’t have it. I know I like to crack-wise and be self-deprecating, but I do have some pride, and I want to do well every time. The fact is though, running (if you’re honest with yourself) keeps you humble. So many people I know from running are excellent people, I think it’s because true runners, the people who really get into this are humble to begin with, and no matter how good they are at this, they stay there. Because it really is not easy. As I said yesterday, about Mr. Kipchoge’s run, even when everything is in your favor, failure is still an option. It is so much more difficult than it seems. Even though it’s just putting one foot in front of the other.
So that whole line of thought, got me into why am I the way I am? I don’t think anyone really knows. I don’t share that, even with my best friends. I mean I tell people about my experiences, overall, but I never really state “This is exactly why I am the way I am,” (to the best of my knowledge. Maybe it’s time I really tell that story, I mean as far as all this crusading and hard-headed-ness goes. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. There is a lot that goes into who I am.
It starts with a kid being brought to picket lines for striking workers, demonstrations, protests, folk music festivals. When I was very young, this is what we did as a family, that and camping in Vermont. Like pooping in a hole in the ground camping. Sorry for the poo reference, but that’s what it was. It was about being taught that no matter how bad I seemingly had it sometimes, there were people out there struggling so much more than I could even imagine. I took that stuff to heart. I used to see discarded things on the side of the road, and imagine they were some other child’s only possession and through some horrible twist of fate it was ripped from them, and they yearned for that thing, to bring them comfort and escape in their hard times. That’s always been my psychology.
With that, came the idea that all people deserve kindness. But I was taught to only help people when they ask, let them have their pride, don’t assume you know better, and don’t assume someone needs help. In fact, don’t assume anything about people, judge them on their actions, not on their appearances. But, regardless of what other people say, when you see injustice, real injustice, fight it. Even if it doesn’t directly harm you, it lessens the world, and harms you indirectly. I think I’ve generally done a good job on that through my life, and I’ve made lots of great friends based on that. But this stuff is all just the basics. Why have I gone to such lengths and alienated myself from people on some issues? It’s not just general “justice warrior” stuff. There are specific instances which have been very instructive for me. They do revolve around one particular friend. It just happens to be, I made this friend at a very important time in development and the way some people reacted, and some of the events that occurred made a huge impact on an already pretty well-grounded kid.
True to form I will refrain from naming names, and I will try and stay gender neutral, but if this friend reads this they will know it is them. The first thing happened shortly after we became friends. We actually weren’t friends the first year they came to the school we were in. But the second year we ended up becoming friends. 4 years earlier my family had moved from the South end of town to the much wealthier North end. It was not easy for me, my father being a labor leader, going to school with all the kids of the managers he fought against on a daily basis. It was like I came from a different planet than these kids. throw in my natural awkwardness and I was done for. In Third Grade though, the nearest school to ours had been shut down, half the students got sent to our school, the other half to the school on the other area closest (I grew up in a big town, at this time there were 6 or 7 elementary schools operating). So 3rd grade, we didn’t get along. I don’t know why exactly, I think I was trying still to “fit in” with the kids there. But 4th grade, we became friends, and we still are today. So one day, I have my friend to my house to play.
Now, we lived on the open end of a cul-de-sac, so kids were pretty much free to just run around. The chances of cars coming speeding down our street was slim and none. So my friend came over and we played, and had a great time. I don’t remember exactly what we did, it was 4th grade. So probably stuff like tag and whatnot. Anyway, fast-forward to after my friend goes home. A neighborhood mother comes knocking at our door and my mother answers. She wants to talk to my mom about this afternoon. Mind you, we were (as far as 4th graders go) perfectly behaved the whole time. Well, here’s what I remember of the conversation in total, this neighborhood mother informed my mother that I was not allowed to play with her son (1 or 2 years younger than I) anymore, because I was playing with *racist expletive deleted*. After closing the door, my mother had to explain to a very confused 4th grader what that language meant and how that woman was horrible for saying those things.
Now, because of my particular looks, I’ve had to deal with some on and off prejudice myself in life. I’ve been pulled over because police were wondering “If I needed help,” or “If I was lost.” Code for “We didn’t think you belonged here”. I haven’t been oppressed, once they saw my license and whatnot, they changed their tune, which frankly made me feel sick to my stomach. How grotesque of them. Never really been in trouble because of it. Every now and then, people who didn’t know me have given me a “you speak so well” and other microaggressive bullshit. But here’s the thing, my friend I was talking about, I know they’ve dealt with the “You speak so well” bullshit so much. I can’t even count the times people said it to them in front of me. This leads to the other event that really changed me, even if it took me some time to realize how much it truly did.
So one day, this friend says, “I wish I was white.” I forget everything that transpired previously, there were so many things that occurred in our life and times together that it all sort of bunches up, but it happened I remember it clearly. Because that is the thing that resounds to this day. By all measures, based on what the Conservative gas-bags say, this should have never happened. A child, brought up in a stable “nuclear” family. Middle-class, highly intelligent, highly motivated, children should have it easy and shouldn’t have any problems, because you know there’s no such thing as racism, or whatever. But, this is how I know, not think, not believe, there is systemic racism. Now mind you this friend is a qualified success, and top-notch human being, parent, and spouse at this point. Masters degree from an Ivy League Institution, spouse also Ivy League Educated and highly respected in their fields. Amazing person, but still, had to put up with so much shit, over skin color. From ignorant assholes who just would talk shit.
This is how I know racism is a real, systemic thing. It’s not just about overt acts of prejudice, it’s about a lifetime of being worn down, talked down to, and having to stand there and take it all and try and smile, because anything less is met with the most disgusting of violence. For a child/adolescent with so much going for them to say something like that, there must be something motivating a statement like that. This is in the days before equal time was completely erased too, so this isn’t about something someone heard on Fixed News or MSNBC, this is before those channels existed, or were even imagined as possible by most Americans. This was honest, from the heart reaction to having to always put up with people’s bullshit.
I don’t think I’ve ever shared this with anyone. But yes, this is how I know this shit is real, and it really hurts people. Even today, I can’t imagine how hard it must truly be to deal with this on a daily basis. I don’t think I’d have the patience to deal with it on a daily basis. But I try to stand up, get some light shed on this mess, maybe help people come to understanding, and abandon their ways. Because there’s no reason anyone should ever wish they were ever born different from how they were. Good or bad. My friend happens to be an excellent person, from an excellent family. But that doesn’t matter. No one should have extra hardship put on them just because of the circumstances of their birth. It’s such a huge shame on our society, it pervades the entire globe too. National, socioeconomic, religious; racism has no borders, no boundaries. It is everywhere and it needs to be destroyed.
A kid who was taught to face injustice whenever it appears see injustice play out and takes in these lessons and tries hard to make it right. Because that’s the other part of me that I don’t talk about. Everything that I don’t like in my life, every time I feel like I’ve failed, or simply fallen short, I play those moments over in my mind, and wish more than anything to go back and fix it. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have told that neighborhood mom to go fuck herself. I would have been even more vocal from an even younger age. No one should ever have to deal with this mess we’ve created. And the people who are hurt the most by it, they’re NOT TO BLAME. It’s not their fault, and they don’t have to change. The people who are outside, the people who cause it, they have to change. I have to change, it’s why I wish I could go back, and really get right in people’s shitty faces when they were doing shitty things. Too many times I stayed back and was afraid. Even today, there are times I stay silent when I should speak up. Not as often, but it’s not any less shameful. I will fight to improve myself, and I will fight to make the world a less shitty place. Not just for my friends, but for everyone.
Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!
Posted in Uncategorized by Gil with no comments yet.
Leave a Reply