I got my last Saturday classes in for this school year. I got a little emotional when I was talking to the group getting ready to take the PET exam. I am really proud of how much work all of my students have put in this year. They all deserve to pass, and they should, but I wanted to let them know that if they have a bad day it’s ok. But it’s good that I get worried and that I get a little emotional about this. If I wasn’t invested in these students succeeding I wouldn’t be a good teacher. You can’t just worry about them passing because it looks good for you. Teaching is not about you, it’s about your students learning.
Then I headed home, I ran 10 miles and had a pretty damned good afternoon. It was hot and sunny but I kept a really nice pace the whole run. It was a strong wind coming off the Cathedral of Saint Nicholas the Pilgrim that thwarted me in the end. If not for that, this would have been my fastest time on this “course”. But I really do need to work on my core strength if I want to make this new running posture stick, because TBH it’s hurting my back a bit. I am sure I’ve mentioned previously, I am a sloucher. I’ve always hated it, the fact that I have horrible posture. But considering all the other things that were wrong with me, which I have since fixed, it was always low on the priorities list. I think I need to fix it now.
I had that discussion again today. People like to break my stones sometimes, but the fact is; while I don’t do any of this for vanity, I spent a very long time in my life not liking how I looked. I still see a fat kid with little noodle arms every time I look in the mirror. I’m still not convinced of my overall fitness, because of this. I try very hard to mitigate it all. I understand the psychological force that is advertising and how it beats us down, but I am not totally immune. I do refuse to let it be about vanity though, I know if I get a stronger core, and stop having so much of an “endurance runner” body, it will make my running easier, faster. That is what I really want, I want to be faster, I want to break 3:30 in a marathon, then 3:20, I want to keep being faster. Even though I will never be anywhere near the elites, I know there’s more in me.
Just like my mind, where I have stated before, I know I am even smarter than I understand I am right now. I know there is more capacity there, yet I hold back. I am too complacent to play the fool, and smile and nod along most of the time. It’s hard to believe the way I pour my heart and mind out on this page, but I still hold back. I feel like I hold back, like I have more to give. The worst part of that is, I don’t know what I’m looking for to let it come through.
That is to say, I know I have so much more in me to radiate out, and yet I lack the motivation, or discipline, to unleash it. I often wonder if I’m afraid, or if I’m too demanding of myself. That is to say, do I feel like if I fail, I will be too scared to venture on. Failure, in the past, was always a big setback for me. I think that is why I worry so much for my exam candidate students. I don’t want them to lose heart. You can’t always be happy, this is true, and you must always strive to be the best you possible. But sometimes it can be overwhelming and that’s ok. I keep reminding myself I am doing the best I can to be a better me every day, and that I want to keep saying, “I can” and avoid the “I can’ts”. But while I’ve fixed most of the physical damage I did to myself through my 20s and early 30s, the psychological damage of many more years remains.
I have always believed most of the stuff I believe today, but my ideas behind it, my thoughts on how the issue is created, and why have changed. I’ve never agreed with a war, even though if certain situations had met my conditions I would have supported the action. I’ve never agreed with the idea that our lives are meant to accrue some imaginary value put on fabric. I used to think the system was generally good, ambivalent even, and it was just wicked people bending it to their lustful desires. But I have learned the system is itself, inherently evil and cannot be fixed from within. That the wicked people’s lustful wants are exacerbating an already troubled situation. I used to think Einstein missed something and time travel was possible, but I realized that it would be impossible to rearrange the sub-atomic particles in such a way in which the past could reform itself, let alone you could travel to it and affect change. Moreover, it would be impossible to travel to the future, without destroying the present. Because no matter how hard I try, I can’t imagine a way around quantum mechanics.
I understand, in all this, I may be wrong. But chances are I am not. Because I always try to go with the best idea I can figure out. I am always willing to listen to other sources and other people, and change my ideas based on the facts. I realized that war always benefits only the wealthy, and it equally benefits the wealthy on all sides. That I realized by studying history. I realized the system itself was corrupt when I realized the thinking behind it, the philosophy and science of the “Enlightenment” was mostly flawed (there are a few things that have stood the test of time, but most of it is shit). That people aren’t evil and self-serving by nature, but those are ideas that are drilled into us, conditioned over generations. That we have learned through brain imaging technology that all animals learn, early on, through the same process of empathetic distress. So we are not greedy, selfish beings looking to accrue wealth, but we are empathetic beings, looking to discover what it means to be the Universe. Also, I realized that once a quantum state is observed, whether on a micro or macro scale, then it is measured, and it can’t go back to being in a state of flux. As much as I love Dr. Who, the fact is, it’s all fixed points and there is nothing that can be done about it. You can only move forward accepting what was done in the past, and fixing what you can. Yes, that is me making a case for reparations, oh no, I’m sure I pissed someone off now. But yes, if the society is set up on the backs of people’s labor and they were never compensated for that labor, then they were never able to pass any of the foothold of that system’s “payment” onto their offspring, and the effect snowballs, so yes, reparations are in order.
I have to do the same, move forward with what I have and just do my best every day. Keep the #PMA and try to improve. Try to be a better person to myself and all my brothers and sisters. Maybe one day I will be able to settle in and be comfortable enough with someone to pass on everything to another generation. I’d like that, to have kids. I’m still in no rush, but I have to say coming up on a round number in our non-universal, our egocentric/solarcentric time keeping system it is starting to eat at me. But I also know I can’t just rush into things here, that it is too important. Sounds silly, but it really is, if our job is to explore the Universe and figure it out, then it is up to us to raise the best children we can, because this is a generational issue. There will never be a time when we “figure it all out”, so each generation must ensure that the succeeding generation will carry on and improve the work. I think our parents screwed that up, bigtime. And they still blame us. It started with Gen-Xers being told they were shit, and now it’s only Millenials. I like being at the end of Gen-X and start of Millenials, I think it gives me a unique view into this. To see how full of shit so many people are about this. But yeah, I think the Boomers screwed up pretty big. They’re still at it is the worst part. But soon their time will be over and maybe we can right this ship.
Have fun, keep running, and remember; if Gil can run then so can you!
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